Another Day with the Doctor

One of the biggest challenges in infertility is the financial aspect. Most, meaning practically all, insurance does not cover fertility specialists. It is not seen as an immediate medical need. To make a long story short, I have an HMO. With an HMO, you have to get a referral by your Primary physician to do anything. The benefit of an HMO is more is covered...lower deductible. I called the insurance when we were thinking about going to a specialist, and I was told that we would not be covered. We understood at this point that we were going to be paying everything out of pocket (i.e. minimum of $300 a visit + the cost of any treatments, ultrasounds, etc...). IVF (which is where they are pointing us towards for any possibility of getting pregnant) in and of itself starting at $14,000. Seriously, I could by a car.

Anywho! We went to our first appointment in January to the fertility specialist. The people at the front desk were extremely helpful and let me know that there was a possibility I might get more covered under my insurance...all I would have to do is get a retroactive referral from my doctor. Sooooooo....this is what I have been attempting to do for the past three months. I have gone to my primary's office 4 or 5 times requesting that it be done, with no results.
Finally, I decided to be the most proactive that I could think of. I made an appointment and spoke to the doctor face to face.

Blessing: He is putting the referral and retroactive referral today. He was extremely sympathetic towards my situation and very willing to help. He will even be wording the referral very carefully, so I have a higher chance of their (insurance's) approval.

Prayer Request: Please Please Please pray that the retroactive referral goes through and does what it is supposed to do. The doctor seemed worried that this would 100% work. I am praying for a financial miracle here. The costs are extremely high, and we are simply not unlimited in our savings.

On a Lighter Note...

I laughed so hard watching this...

Honestly...

I have been thinking about this subject a lot lately. I am going through a period in my life, where I am searching desperately for the love of God and finding myself more an more lost. Honestly, all I want to do is to be deeply, madly in love with Jesus, but Honestly, I struggle to believe that he REALLY loves me. I can tell you all of the text book..."Right Answers." I know God is love...I know God loved me so much that he went to the cross...took all of the punishment of my sin upon himself, so I might live. I know all of the right answers, but Honestly, I am heart broken.

Let's rewind...I remember as a child and even adult that I have ALWAYS been picked out of a crowd. My deepest desire in all the world has always been to blend in, not stand out, but without fail, I have always popped out. In class, without fail, I was always the paper that was picked to read aloud...always picked to go first....I remember it was so extreme that in Junior High I tried to play dumb, so I could just fit in, blend in with the crowd. If there was a contest to be won, I would always win it...I once on a Garfield phone from a drawing, a Hostess Doll, a olive oil kit, won a drama contest and had to perform in front of way too many people....When there is a demonstration and someone gets picked out of the crowd. Guess who gets picked? You got it ME.

See this picture...I am not this sweet girl in the foreground...that is NOT me...I am the one hiding in the corner with my head down, hoping that I am not picked.

With that being said, I have always felt like I stand out like a sore thumb....like I just don't fit the mold. As we go through this journey of infertility, I have found myself once again feeling like the one whose been picked out of the crowd. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom...My sister and I played house ALL of the time. I always had a baby doll with me, and I have always been drawn to children and they to me.

In some ways, I feel like God has picked me out of the crowd...picked me out to have my dreams snatched away. Honestly, it hurts and makes it difficult to see God's love through the hazy mist of heartbreak. I know when people go through difficult times: Often, their first question is why me? I find myself asking that same question. Why me? Out of all of the billions of people on the earth...why must I be picked?

I feel kind of like a child whose dream is to play basketball...they are really good at it, and it seems that he could actually succeed at it. The parent decides that basketball is really not what is best for them, so they break his legs. I know this sounds ridiculous but bare with me. They break them to the point that it would take a miracle for him to ever be in the condition to play basketball again.

Honestly, why would I have this desire in my heart just to have it snatched away? It is difficult for me to understand a loving God that would pick me out of the crowd to suffer. Picked out to live out the impossible. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't picked out of the crowd for this journey. It is difficult for me to fully express all that I feel and am working through, but this is my attempt at it. Honestly, I struggle to know God's love for me. Sometimes I feel like if he really loved me...all the odds wouldn't be stacked up against us.

Honestly, I am just trying to be honest with myself. Sometimes I want to push down, tuck away and pretend that I do not feel this way, but I do. I am learning that there is freedom in me being completely honest with God...looking him right in the eyes and saying, "I don't understand your love for me...I struggle to believe that you do love me at all." He can take it, and he has enough grace to walk me through every step of this process.

I hope that this post isn't too negative or overly honest...I am using this blog as a way to express all that I am thinking and feeling. I know that feelings are deceiving, but they are real.
I refuse to hide.

A Blessing In Between

We are back from Disneyland. We had an amazing time! I forgot how fun Disney actually is. We rode many rides, saw many interesting people, and ate some really good food. This will probably be the last time in a LOOOOOOOOng time that we will ever set foot in Disneyland. It is just too expensive to be going to frequently, and we have enough expenses in our near future...more on that later.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

A 5 yr old took this picture...his parents didn't speak English, so he volunteered to help out.

Our First Ride: The Matterhorn... This was my attempt at taking a picture on the roller coaster.



This one is for Hannah:)



Brian really likes to climb things.


On the second day, Brian was so excited to go on the Rapids ride. He was soaked from head to toe and shivering but had a huge grin on his face.

Happiest Place on Earth...

We are off for the weekend. We have been dreaming about going to Disneyland for a long time now, and we haven't been since we were dating (about 5 yrs ago). We will be celebrating our 3yr. wedding anniversary a couple days early:) I will post pictures once I return. Enjoy your weekend! I will be enjoying mine!

Photo Shoot, goofy-ness, and Meet Kelsey

I have been taking some pictures of Jessica...she is running for a position at an unsaid university (I can't say where or what because she has made a vow of secrecy;) She is extremely photogenic, and I enjoy taking pictures of her, mostly because it's good practice for me...Here are a few:

Seriously, How is someone born this pretty? I don't know...

I like this one, but I cannot figure out how to get the shadows off her shoulder.
She even looks cute when she laughs:)

Then, We started to get a little goofy, and the camera got turned. I can't seem to be normal in pictures...I am the queen of making dorky faces.

I am a serious spaz :)

On another note, I took this picture from my front yard. I am so thankful for the home that I have now...It is beautiful, amazing and more than I could have ever asked for. I will cherish it for whatever time period I am given the grace to live here.

Ok..Last Thing...This is Kelsey. If you don't know her, hunt her down. Get to know her. She is amazing!

I'm tired.

I am tired...So I will leave you with this...bathe in the glory of all our before marriedness. Literally, this is one of the only digital picture of us I have before we were married. We used to take all of our pictures on film. Maybe my dad has some? Do you? Sleep well and enjoy!

Fries in the Air and an Official Title...

Where did we leave off? Oh Yes...Hawaiian boyfriend...I came home right before my second year of college started. That night my mom picked me up from the airport; I was desperate for something other than rice, spam, and poi. We made our way to In N Out...Lo and behold. Who was there? BRIAN! That's right Brian Dean was right there with a bunch of our friends. Both of our jaws dropped, and I immediately began to chat it up with the girls. The girls started teasing me saying, "I bet you came back with a Hawaiian boyfriend..Huh?" My reply, "Well, Yes, errrr...actually...yah." Brian steps forward at this point looks straight at me and rolls his eyes. (Now, if you know Brian at all...to this day I have never seen him roll his eyes again...it is highly uncommon). I was thinking to myself, "Geese, what's his problem?"

Things went back to how they were before we both went away. We did everything together...we were "best friends." Really, that is all we were...the guy wouldn't even hug me! He hugged everything else that had arms and a body but not me :( During this time, I was realizing more and more my motivations behind my relationship with "Hawaii Boy," and I was beginning to feel quite a bit discomforted with the idea of continuing the relationship. Novemberish came around, and Brian and I were hanging out with some friends at the beach. Brian and I hopped down into this dug out picnic bench and were chatting for quite a long time. It was during that time that I shared that I was breaking up with "Hawaii Boy."

Little did I know that Brian had made a decision: if I was to ever become single again, he was going to make a move and not miss out on the opportunity. Really, he didn't waste much time. Two weeks after breaking up with the other guy...we weretaking a jacuzzi at his house with two of our good friends, and Brian out of the blue says, "You know I never hug the girls I really like!" Seriously, I was confused. Up until this point, I truly had no confirmation that he was interested in me in that way.

One week later...He asked me out. According to him, he kept looking for opportunities to ask me, but none seemed to pop up. Being the romantic he is:), he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend at In N Out... in the parking lot. We were both so nervous. At some point, I flailed my arms up in the air and sent my fries flying all over the car.
We were officially "A Couple."

To Be Continued...
Note: I do realize that our story is very long...you will just have to enjoy the ride. It was a long one.

Praise you in the Storm

Savage Raccoon...

Last night our house was attacked...attacked by a savage Raccoon...Luckily, I caught a picture of him to show the police.

Scary Huh! Yah, I nearly pooped my pants when I saw him.

Ok...I am exaggerating a bit...maybe a lot. We did have a raccoon visitor last night though:) It was 3am...I was dead asleep, but I have a crazy sense of hearing. (I think it is a mom programmed type thing). Anyway, I was awakened by some strange sounds outside...I tried to wake Brian up to get him to listen to the sounds too, but he told me I was crazy. Well, I kept hearing the sounds, so I decided to go all Sherlock Holmes to figure out what was going on...As I got up, I remembered. Earlier in the evening I had placed our trash out on the porch for Brian to take to the trash cans. #1 Not a good Idea... for future reference...I should have never put it out there #2 Brian had forgotten to take it to the trash can. I immediately knew it must be an animal enjoying some nasty trash. I peeked out the windows and jumped because right outside the window was a raccoon going for it. He found a chicken we had bought at Costco and was desperately trying to get it open.

I turned on the lights hoping that this would scare him off, with no avail. It was time to try to wake up Brian again. I knew now that I wasn't crazy, and this time...I chose a wiser strategy. "Brian, get your air soft gun! There's a raccoon getting into the trash!" Geese, he shot out of bed and was ready to go:)

He opened the door and walked towards him telling him to get, but this raccoon was not about to move. Brian was stoked! It as time to use the gun...He shot the raccoon 3 or 4 times, and it was only on the fourth hit that this stubborn guy finally moved far enough away to grab the trash. We cleaned up, and he finally left in defeat.

Let's just say it was an eventful evening.

Our Story Begins...

There are probably a select few people out there who have heard our story... How we met...How long we dated. The good, the bad, and the mushy. Well, My next few blogs will be dedicated to sharing our story...How we became "The Deans."

It was a long journey. 6 and 1/2 yrs-ish long type long...

Before I begin, let me share a picture. One of the reasons I chose to marry Brian was because he's got some mad skills:
Yes, that's right folks. My husband can fly...He flutters his feet quickly back and forth and vuala! He begins to ascend! Told you he had mad skills:)

Ok, back to the beginning of our story. Our story begins in 1999. We were seniors in high school. I was taking a creative cooking class first semester. I am not sure of all of the details of how I got out of class each day in the middle of class, but I did...Conveniently with my friend Kimberly. Each day we would escape during the middle of class and walk the campus. Every day we would pass the same benches, and on those benches, there always sat two boys: Evan Hopper and Brian Dean. I was without a doubt the dorkier of the two girls, so I just usually sat as Kimberly chatted with them. I do remember noticing Brian and having a particular draw to him. Besides his obvious good looks...there was something about him that I was sucked into.

Ok, at this rate we will be telling this story for a very long time, so you will just have to bare with me. Nonetheless, I began seeing Brian more and more at church and school. We eventually began hanging out in the same crowd. All of my friends had a crush on him, and for all who know the unwritten girl code, it was off limits for me to like him. We continued to get to know each other... we often went off-roading together, and for some reason, this was a common thread for us to start really talking. Brian asked my good friend Laura to Prom...I was bummed. He tells me now that he really wanted to ask me...not sure that this was entirely true:) Well, we ended up going to prom together, but we went with different people. I wish I could find a picture of this because it is pretty classic.

We graduated high school...that summer I dropped off the map, in a state of I don't know what to do with myselfness, and Brian went to Israel. When he got back, we reconnected at church, and he very boldly asked me to be a part of his small group. Of course, I obliged and went the next week. I stayed in his small group for quite a while, and this is where we really started to have a friendship...just me and him. I remember at one point during this time telling Brian's cousin, Erin..."I'm going to marry your cousin." She looked at me like I was stark right mad, as she didn't know that I even had feelings for him.

Throughout his year, our "friendship" developed to the point that we were doing pretty much everything together. I was continually trying to convince myself that I was crazy for liking him...One week it would be "I don't like him because his ears are too small," the next week, "His jokes are just too corny for me." You get the picture. I was fooling myself and so was he. We were both crushing big time. Well, this year past, but we remained best friends.

At the end of the school year, my brother passed away. It rocked my world...I was completely undone. I left for Hawaii two months later, where I spent three months working at a camp for underprivileged kids. Brian worked at a camp up a Lake Shasta on the houseboats. In my trying to deal with all of my confusion and feelings, I came back with a boyfriend...

To Be Continued...

Key Players...

Let's meet some of the key players in my story...
1. Brian Thomas Dean:Brian is the love of my life...I may be biased, but I do think that he is the most handsome man who has ever walked the face of the earth. He is the real deal. He loves God and pursues him (and me:) with every ounce of his being. Being the smartest person I know, he provides for us without fail. He is passionate...really very black and white in so many ways, which I appreciate. He leads our family with confidence, faith, and boldness. I feel honored to be his wife, and if you don't know him well, get to know him! He is amazing!

2. Our Family:

Our Parents: Our parents are our biggest cheerleaders...they are the reason that we follow Jesus. They have left a legacy for us and our children, with big shoes to fill. I couldn't find a picture right off the bat of Brian and his dad, so there will be one to follow. He will get his very own post. I am so incredibly thankful for our parents who were determined to raise us to follow Jesus. They love us unconditionally, and they are always there in a moments notice...which is great because, sometimes, you just need your mommy and daddy:)


Stephanie and Jessica has also been a major backbone in our lives. I prayed so stinkin' hard that they would both move to San Luis Obispo, so I wouldn't be missing them. On their own, they decided to move here...of course with a little encouragement ...nonetheless, they are here! Praise the Lord! They are an answer to prayer. Truly, they are more valuable than gold to us. I know that in a moment, either of them would drop everything, donate a limb, whatever was needed for us. We love them!

3. Our Friends:
Our Friends...well, just a few of them. We have so many people who we love and adore. Each of them has stood with us through thick and thin. When we don't have the strength to believe, they stand in the gap for us, loving us, and holding us up. We love you!

God has Answered Faith

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the Father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' ***Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about 100 years old- and Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet, he did not waiver in unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
Romans 4:18-21

I remember one day of our journey so distinctly that I could virtually relive it in my mind. We had only been married 6months, but we had decided that we were ready to start our family. Really, the truth is that we liked the idea of having a family and saw no reason to preventing it... We took out the goalie...as so many seem to say at our church:) Anyway, I was relaxing one evening, taking a bath. Don't dwell on that one too long, and I was praying for my future baby...As I was sitting there, I kept hearing a name. It started out as a small whisper, almost like when there is a light breeze that brushes against your cheek that makes you look up from what your doing. Well, the voice got louder and louder, and I continued to hear the same name over and over again....

I knew instantly that it was to be one of my children's names...in fact, I had only heard it once before, but it was and is the most beautiful name I have ever heard. I raced out of the bath and ran to the computer...quickly, I typed in Eliana to the Babynames.com...My Jaw dropped...Eliana: God has answered.

In some ways, I knew at that very moment that this was to be the beginning of a very long journey. Little did I know all that it would lead us through...

Fast Forward....2 and 1/2 yrs later. Here we are still waiting, dreaming, and hoping for our little Eliana...Eliana Faith: God has answered faith. As Abraham and Sarah, we are fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he has promised.

Daily, I must choose to stand in the rain. Superchick says it well:

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I am digging my heals in, believing in miracles, and inviting you along for the journey...

It's Blog Time...Dunununu Nu Nu Nu Nu!

No...Seriously, are you ready for me.

Here we go....

Time to Start a New Blog...

Well, the time has finally come... [a hush falls over the crowd]...to hear all about the Deans. I am starting this blog in part as an avenue for me to express my love for words, share our journey with others, and post some of the pictures that I love taking. Sit down...buckle your seat belts...and enjoy the ride. It may be a bumpy one, so please, PLEASE keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times during the duration of this ride. We wouldn't want anyone to lose a limb.