Sunday Story in Pictures...

Attention: America's Top Model...

You seem to have lost your model.
Lucky for you...I found him, and I married him!
I may be biased, but I do think my husband
is possibly the best looking man on the face of the earth.

Splish Splash ...We were taking a bath.
We pulled out the slip and slide today, and we had a blast.
Errr I mean the kids had a blast!
Reason 9, 476 that I love my house...the goats.

And some yumminess...Just in case you were still hungry.

A God Sized Dream...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church (me) and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)

In the past, I have always prided myself on being a realist. I would always look at life...situations exactly as they were...nothing more and nothing less. I never dreamed for more or imagined my life to be more than what was right there in front of me. Life was what it was: Work (a lot), school , maintain a dating relationship...people failed me. I failed. My brother died. Just the way it was. I was who I was, and I accepted me...with all of my confusion with open arms as unchangeable.
Dreaming was for people who had their head in the clouds... who didn't live in the now...

The Lord has been taking me on a journey. As I have been on this journey, I have realized that my "realism" was more of a cop-out...a defense mechanism to protect me from the things life throws at you. I had decided that you might as well expect the worst...Then, if things worked out, I would be pleasantly surprised, but when things didn't work out, God didn't come through. I wouldn't be disappointed. It was a way to protect my heart but an awful way to live...always living with an impending doom.

Well, this journey has taken me many places. I have found many roots to this deep issue of my heart. The deepest being fear. What if God doesn't come through? What if I get my hope up, and it all falls apart? Events of my past kept me from moving forward in hope: Praying desperately for my brother's life to be spared only to find out he was already gone, etc.

Nonetheless, somewhere along the lines...I chose to stop dreaming for my future...dreaming of the amazing things God had for me. I lived in fear.

This journey came to a head a couple of years ago, as I attended an encounter weekend at my church. The Lord gently showed me this issue in my life and uprooted it. For the first time since being a child, I had a hope. It was as if a veil had been lifted...I was seeing my circumstances, my life in a whole new light. I was able to dream again.

As I approached infertility and eventually this past week of bad news, this ordinarily would have been a confirmation of my way of thinking..."See...things never work out for you. Bad things will follow you wherever you go." If I hadn't been set free two years ago, I am not sure where I would be...what I would be thinking now.

Life has not turned out how I had expected it to. My dreams have not panned out as I had expected. One of my earliest dreams was to be a mom. I think I dreamed of being a mom before I dreamed of anything else. As we have had bad news after bad news, I feel like I have put my dreaming on pause. I used to go to thrift stores...buy clothes here and there for my babies...dream of what they will look like...what their names will be. Somewhere in all of this I pushed the pause button on my dreams.

It just hurt to much to dream. By dreaming, I was putting so much on the line. You see...it is a huge risk to dream. You are risking disappointment...heartache.

I am feeling a tug on my heart to dream again...not just dream...but dream God-sized dreams. You see when you place you hope in God...you will not be disappointed. I believe this with all of my heart (Romans 5:5). God wants to partner with me in my dreaming. My dreams may no longer look like the dreams of my childhood, but right now, before me...I have an opportunity to Dream...dream Big.

I am dreaming about my children. You see...God is designing my children right now for Brian and me. He knows Brian and I will have the honor of raising them. I am praying bold prayers that my children will be priestly....set apart for a holy purpose...used in magnificent ways.
I am dreaming that my children will look like us...why not? God is their designer...it doesn't matter whose body they come from.
I am dreaming for a new car...one that preferably can fit our children :)
I am dreaming for a marriage that is daily growing towards Jesus (that dream is already coming true).
I am dreaming of how God is going to make it possible for us to adopt, financially.

I am dreaming for a miracle...a God sized dream. You see...a dream isn't a God sized dream unless it is physically impossible for us to achieve on our own.
A miracle must involve an act of God.

Bring on the Miracles!

As I was praying the other day, the Lord showed me a vivid picture of a lion...of me being that lion.

"³⁵So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
³⁶You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God,
you will receive what he has promised.
³⁷For in just a very little while,

He who is coming will come and will not delay.
³⁸But my righteous one will live by faith.
And if he shrinks back,
I will not be pleased with him."
³⁹But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed,
but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35-39.

I have never seen a lion shrink back from their enemy. They stand strong, bold, courageous in the face of a challenge, and they do not back down.

I will not back down. I will not shrink back. I will live by Faith.

It is time to dream again...dream alongside God...a God-Sized Dream.

Under Construction...

I am in the process of changing my blog template...
giving it a face lift...
Bare with me as it is figured out :)

Dogs, Baths, and a Literary Performance...

We had a much needed relaxing, restful weekend.

This is who we spent most of our weekend with. Meet Roxy...our neighbors' dog. She is the sweetest thing, and we dog-sat her this weekend. She loved following us around the property , and we loved having her follow us :)

We also went up the grade to Templeton and visited our friends the Moore's. They have the sweetest little boy and 3 legged dog...I love his under bite! The dog...Not the sweet little boy!

Meet the newest members to our property... We had a nest being built right above our light, near the front door. We tore it down once, in its early stages, but this was one determined mama. She came right back and built a nest and laid eggs...too quickly for us to tear it down again.
She must know that their is another determined mama living in the house that wouldn't have the heart to tear down a nest with babies in it.

Bet you can't guess who's being bathed by a big, bold boy Brian?
Bet your Bottom...Booger! (I love alliteration..tee hee...snort)

Rewind back to last Thur. My students did their Literature to Life performance at school.
Any guesses on which piece of literature we acted out?
They did amazing, but this is always a busy, stressful time of the year for me.
1 and 1/2 weeks to go! Hip Hip Hooray!

Hope...

I've been tagged again by Jessica. This time I need to declare the word over my life... When God looks at me, what is it that he sings over me. As I was praying about this and asking the Lord, I was walking around my house, and it became very apparent what my word is. I have the word hope spackled throughout my home. It is a word that I am determined to live out. I am a woman who hopes...hopes when things are going well...hopes when things look hopeless. I don't just hope in anything...I put my hope IN GOD ALONE. My hope is not in doctors, not in medicine, not in anyone else, not in good luck...In God's word alone. He is the only answer.

Part of the tagging was that I was supposed to post a picture of myself declaring God's Banner over me...His word over me. I was looking through pictures and realized that I have no pictures of just me...Well, the truth is that I have a couple, but when I am in a picture alone, I typically act like a dork. I am making weird faces in every single one of them :p So... I hired my best Friend Jessica to come take pictures of me, since she was the one that tagged me. She did an amazing job!

Now, I tag...

Rebecca
Anne-Therese
Anne Trott
Susan
Angela
Nicole

What is a word that God has spoken over your life? Declare it with a picture on your blog :)

Reason to Rejoice!

We are officially wacky! God knew what he was doing when he put us together :p

Some squishy faces for your viewing pleasure...

Two of my most favorite people...can you tell why?

We have many reasons to rejoice!

Reason #1

God is good...no matter the circumstances...no matter how huge the waves are around me. I can rest knowing that God is Good, and he is in control.

Reason #2

God put an extra $3000 in our bank account this week. Yes... I know it wasn't God who did it, but I am not sure who did...Sooooo....I am just saying that God plopped it in my account. He doesn't need my account number. Right? I have been praying a crazy prayer for $100, 000, so I think this is a great start : )

Reason #3

Brian's MRI turned out normal! Brian went in for a MRI this week... He has been having headaches for 2 years now, and with us switching insurance, it became time to suck it up and carry through with MRI in order to make sure it wasn't something serious. They just said that he has an abnormally large brain...Just Kidding! He is so stinkin' smart, so this is what I imagined them saying :p

Reason #4

I went in to pay off our infertility doctor, since we will no longer be needing his services. As I was driving to the doctors to pay the bill, I was praying and asking the Lord to lower our bill to $1000. When I arrived, she calculated my bill... It was only $780! I was stoked beyond belief.

After I wrote the check, the doctor stepped out and talked to me a bit. We ended our last conversation quite abruptly with awkward news, so he wanted to make sure I didn't have any questions, which of course I did! I asked my doctor, "Will I need to see you from now on to deal with my premature menopause or my O.B.gyn?" His response was amazing... He asked who my doctor was...I told him, and he says, "It just so happens that I am meeting with your doctor this week to discuss prematurely menopausal women and Hormone replacement Therapy. He will be thoroughly informed and able to treat you (which is covered under insurance!)" Coincidence...I think not.

Then, he told me that I won't have to take shots the rest of my life for hormone replacement therapy! He is recommending to my OB...a patch and cream that is natural...Hip Hip Hooray for no needles! I was not looking forward to that. Also, I will not need to go in until I have stopped my cycle for a total of 6 mos. in a row. This could take yrs to happen... Until then, my body is still producing enough estrogen. Hip Hip Hooray #2!

Ok...So it doesn't stop here. After this, I say my good byes to the doctor and go to get my receipt. She types in the computer and says..."Oh, look at this. The Doc. just went back and changed your bill...You now owe $480." My jaw is now on the floor, as I stand in awe of the goodness of God. Right before my eyes...our bill shrunk $300. Praise the Lord!

Reason #5...

I have fun pictures as a reward for reading my incredibly long post!

We got to hang out with the lil' Linns this week and the big Linns too. We had a great time at the beach on Sat. and a great time with the lil' ones this Sun.

I adore these kids...

We have a picture of their daddy doing this exact thing in our wedding album! Sorry for D's comb over...he has a gallon of sunscreen on and was playing with the brush...
hee hee

Lil' Climber!

Look who's holding a chicken...I love the concentration face.

We are buddies <3

Rejoice with us in the Lord! He is Good! I cannot wait to see what miracles lie ahead...

The Post I never Wanted to Write...

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those that trust in him."
Nahum 1:7

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

"For Nothing is Impossible with God."
Luke 1:37

This is the entry that I never wanted to find myself writing.

I have avoided writing it for a couple days, while I let it all sink in .

Two days ago, I received a phone call from the doctor. A phone that I would never wish anyone to receive.

Let me back up a bit...I went in a week and a half ago to get a test that would determine my egg health. It is the most accurate test they have out there now. They draw my blood and look at a variety of different variables: age, hormones, etc., and they compare my number to other people who have tried to harvest eggs for IVF. After, they give you a score from 1-20...1 being impossible and 20 being the bright green light.

Ok...back to Monday at school. I saw my phone, as I was teaching, light up...I quickly glanced at the number and my heart immediately sank. I knew it was the doctor, and I knew he was going to tell me my results. He left a message, and after I had arranged with the office, I stepped out of my classroom to call the doctor. I locked myself in the resource room and could barely press the buttons I was shaking so bad. It was then that I realized I was going to find out in mere moments whether or not I could have babies.

Well, I eventually got the number dialed. I was shaking so bad I nearly dropped the phone. The doctor was put on the phone. He did not beat around the bush (which I appreciate), and he gave me the news.

He said, " What I suspected has been confirmed. You are in Premature Ovarian Failure (POV)...in evolution. I have your test results right here...explained the test once more...They give you a score...1 being impossible. 20 being green light. I am very sorry Mrs. Dean. You received a 1. You have 3 options now 1. Egg Donation (Brian and I have already decided against this) 2. Adoption 3. Childless. "

I wasn't even sure how to respond. I simply said thank you, choking back the tears, and goodbye.

Poor Guy...one thing I was thankful for in that moment was that I wasn't that doctor. What a difficult phone call to make... Nonetheless, I hung up the phone and fell to the ground weeping.

The irony of it all...me Jen Dean...the babysitter extraordinaire...ideal mommy to be....can't have her own children. The truth pierced my heart, and it shattered into a million pieces.

I immediately called Brian and told him the news. He was so gracious. He told me he loved me more in that moment than he had ever loved me. I am so thankful for him...thankful that he can't get pregnant without "medical" help either, and I am thankful that he is helping to hold me up during this difficult time.

As I sit here now, tears are dropping on my keyboard. I am feeling a gamma of emotions. I feel great sorrow for the fact that I will never be pregnant, never give birth, never breastfeed. I am feeling a peace that surpasses all understanding. Although, things seem to be spinning a million miles per hour out of control, I trust God. I trust the plans that he has for me and my family. I trust that they are the best. I trust that he will receive the glory in our story. I am hiding myself completely under the shelter of his wings and allowing him to be my strength, my shield, my comfort, and my hope in this time.

As the days pass, I am also beginning to feel bits of excitement. Excitement to see how our story ends. Indeed, we have finally gotten off one roller coaster, but now, we jump on an entirely new roller coaster. Each time we jump on a new roller coaster we are more and more like Jesus...refined by the fires of life and more able to enjoy the ride.

I accept my circumstances with great joy. I am willing to lay my dreams for my life...how I envisioned my life to happen...it is more painful than you can ever imagine, but it is worth it. I am willing to be put in the fire over and over again so God might be glorified through our story.

Are you ready to walk out this next leg of our journey with us? We need each of you with us.

"See I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction...I will not yield my glory to another."
Isaiah 48:10-11B

Instead of Sleeping...

I am posting pictures from our evening...
We had a family that we love over for dinner and a game night.
I know I say this a lot, but there will be lots of pictures.
I really enjoy taking them, so I have a really difficult time picking my favorites.
This leads to the posting of LOTS of pictures.
I'm sure you don't mind :p

Beautiful Girl...so much to her. Sometimes, I look in her eyes and see a piece of me.

So Strong!

I love that God made sisters.

Luckily, there were no collisions...a couple close calls.

Squishy Face
Brian set up our Hammock

They also set up a target and did some shooting with the air soft gun.

Tell me which one is your favorite. Mine are the 1st and 3rd.

Now, even after I am done posting pictures...
I am still yet to be tired. I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day...
In this season of my life, it is possibly one of the most difficult days out of the year for me. A very difficult day to go to church. Everywhere I go are mommies...mommies which I love BTW, but it is just another reminder that I am not there yet. I will need lots of grace tomorrow.

Good thing the Lord has a storehouse...just for me :)

P.s. These are the kids I get to hang out with this summer! YEAH!

A Baseball Break...

Today, we took and impromptu break to play some baseball in my classroom. We have been doing state testing all week, and the kids are absolutely fried. They keep asking me..."Mrs. Dean, can we walk down the hall, so we don't fall asleep?" It's pretty funny. That being said...they came back from recess all giggly and silly. One of my kids found a whiffle ball, so me being the serious, studious teacher that I am picked it up and started hitting it with the roll of paper I found in my classroom. I know very mature, but hey, a teacher has to stay entertained too. Right? My hitting the ball broke out into a full on slow pitch softball game. It was HILARIOUS! Sad thing is that this is one of the things they will remember 20 years down the road, not how I made them memorize their multiplication tables :p Oh well!

Batters UP!

I took my hand at the pitching. Don't be jealous... I know you wish I was your teacher ;)

Don't worry...we got back to work promptly after fifteen minutes had passed and we had thoroughly enjoyed our shenanigans.

P.S. While I was waiting for my pictures to download, I looked up the definition of shenanigans because I realized I had no idea what it REALLY meant.

Shenanigans: activities which are intended to be mischievous and playful...If the shoe fits, I suppose you should wear it:)

A Day with the Boys...

On Saturday, we had the privilege of spending our day with the Ens boys. We had a blast. I realize I posted a million pictures, but they were just too cute... Enjoy!

Sweet Boy #1
I love his imagination!

They spent 15-20 minutes in the hammock, hanging out and pretending. They pretended to sleep, eat, then they remembered! You have to pray before you eat, so they said their prayers :p

Silly Boy

Sweet Boy #2
He's a cuddle bug... He took every opportunity to snuggle up to us.

They Lassoed a lizard (refer to yesterday's post). SB #2 is fearless...he lunged for the lizard. He couldn't wait to hold him!

SB #1 was a bit more apprehensive, but he still took his opportunity to pet the lizard.

We got to visit the goats too! Rosie was trying to kiss SB #2.

Chickens too!
Giggles!

Thank you so very much for letting us hang out with your kiddos! We had a blast!