Are we There Yet?

Today, I told some of my co-workers... "I feel like I am a little kid, in the back seat of a car. I am headed somewhere...not exactly sure where that somewhere is, how we are going to get there or how long it will take.

I feel that antsy feeling that I did as a kid. Insecure with the unknown-ness of this all.
...simply left asking, "Are we there yet?""

Waiting on the Lord is a crazy thing.
Really, it is.
I have basically come to the conclusion that I don't get it.
I don't yet understand how to wait with faith.
How to wait upon the Lord with grace and eloquence.
I simply flop around and ask, "Are we there yet?"
Usually, we are still in the driveway, and I am already asking, "Are we there yet?"

I read this today, and it seemed to clear my vision a bit, yet it left me with some meat to chew on.
Yep, I don't get it yet.

“Never, ever in our wait, is God inactive. NEVER. We have got to trust that if ever he puts a stay on something, if ever he has put a hold on something, if ever he has called us to wait upon Him: SOMETHING is up. Something is happening in the heavenlies. There is someway that things on earth are coming into the will of the things in Heaven. And we have got to trust Him.

“ Isaiah 40:31 in the KJV:
‘But those who wait on the LORD, Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.’

“What is more exhausting than waiting? What? And here scripture says if we wait upon the Lord, he is going to renew all our strength. Whereas to us it (waiting) feels the more we wait the weaker we feel. (The Lord knows) we will lose our strength, our strength will be depleted if we wait upon ‘The Thing.’ When we wait upon a person, a thing, an event, we will lose; but if your waiting on the Lord, you will renew your strength: you’ll renew strength, you’ll mount up as eagles. Do you see the difference? We’re waiting on the THING. We’re waiting on the...(fill in the blank) wedding day, we’re waiting on that baby, were waiting on that promotion, waiting on that provision... you fill in the blank...(waiting on that Visa). And these are huge things to wait on, important things, noble things to pray for and to want but if all we’re doing is DAY after DAY waiting on the thing, waiting on the event: we’re depleted because the event, person, thing doesn’t come. Wait upon the Lord, WAIT UPON THE LORD. Sit as a watchman on the wall and wait upon the Lord. With expectancy and anticipation that the longer you(God) are taking the harder you(God) are working and I cannot wait to see what you are orchestrating in the heavenlies. The longer we wait the more we’re to renew our strength. Tell the Lord in prayer...IT waits but cause me to wait on you and not just the thing. Renew my strength. Listen to the words of Habakkuk 2:3: ‘For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”
-Beth Moore

How do I wait upon the Lord?
I wait on him...Not on the thing.
All else doesn't matter compared to him. Right?

Geese, I have no idea how to balance waiting on the Lord and waiting on the thing.
I have to grab a hold of faith that this "thing" is in his plan for my life,
but I have to wait upon the Lord, not the thing.
Aghhhh...

All in all...I am still battling this...searching for truth.
I choose to wait upon the LORD.
I choose to believe that he will show up.
I choose to have confidence that he is the driver, and he does know where he is going.
I choose to enjoy the ride...enjoy my driver, not miss him...
Instead of constantly saying or feeling,

"are we there yet?"

P.s. I know I am rambling...just trying to put words to some of my feelings...what I am working through.
P.s.s. Tell me what you think about all this? Have you ever had to Wait upon the Lord? A situation completely out of your control?




Needed this today...

Before I know it...

Dear Little One,

How I love you so dearly already. It's strange how I can love so much someone I've never held...never met. Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts. I know that someday soon I will hold you. Someday soon you will be in our home, bringing much laughter and joy into our lives.

Sweet one...I have dreamed of you for a very long time. When I was a little girl, I would carry a doll baby around. I would swaddle the baby, giving it kisses...already dreaming of you. Since your daddy and I started trying to have children, we have both vividly dreamt of you. We dream of what you will look like, what your personality will be like, who you will become.

You are so deeply loved already. You are God's chosen child for us. Even though you will not grow in my belly, you have grown in my heart. I know God is forming you in your birth- mother's womb...even now?! He is paying attention to every last detail as he knits you together. He is making you with us in mind...knowing your papa and I have exactly what you need.

I know you will be beautiful. I know when I meet you...I am going to fall apart. I am sure there will be many mixed emotions in that moment. Sheer excitement for finally seeing faith fulfilled...love that is beyond comprehension, and I am sure a bit of sorrow too.

Your birth mother is an extremely brave woman. It takes quite a woman of character to make the kind of decision that she is making for you. She must love you more than either of us can understand. Sometimes, I get a bit nervous when I think of that moment, when your birth mother hands you over to us, but I know that God is in control. He will be right there...with us every step of the way.

Some days...I catch myself day dreaming of you for long periods of time. Praying for you. Praying for your health, Praying you will be someone who knows Jesus and loves Him with all your heart, praying you are full of laughter (I have a feeling you will have the BEST laugh), praying you are a good sleeper (mostly for my sake ;), praying for your protection as you are being formed in the womb, praying for an obedient heart, praying you don't snore (something I recently started praying for...hahahaha), praying you love people...love to smile....I pray a LOT for you. These are just a few of my requests before God.

Please know that you are chosen. Chosen by God for us. Before I know it...you will be in my arms...snuggling near, and I will be whispering sweet promises into your ear....sweet promises that God WILL fulfill in your life. Before I know it...I will singing you to sleep and laughing at all of your goofy faces. Before I know it...I will be packing your lunches and sending your off to kindergarten. Before I know it...I will be passing you off to another, but until then, I will cherish every moment. Cherish every dream. Once I have you, I will cherish every second. Thank God when you are laughing...Praise God when we are up in the middle of the night and you are crying. I don't want to miss a moment.

Dear one...I love you more than words can express. I CANNOT wait until the day I get to meet you face to face.

Love,
Your Momma.

Waiting with Expectancy....

2010...my year to wait upon the Lord ALWAYS expecting...
Expecting him to show up.

You see I have lived most of my life without this expectancy.
I have lived always expecting the worst and being pleasantly surprised at the best.

This has been not a choice out of humbleness or anything other than:
FEAR
You see Fear is my biggest opponent right now.
Fear seems to lurk at the doorstep of my heart daily...
Knocking, waiting for me to agree with it.
Convincing me that expecting the worst is the smartest way to live.

"Why expect God's best when he may not come through?" Fear exclaims.
"Expect the worst....it's the only way to protect yourself.
You don't want to hurt like you've been hurt before...do you?"

This way of thinking has been my defense mechanism.
A way to protect myself from the pain...
the hurt that comes when you expect the best and well,
the best isn't what you get (Seemingly).

The first thing that our adoption coordinator said when we sat down with us was...
"You must believe that this (adoption) is God's BEST for you. Adoption is not second best. It is not the runner up choice...it is God's very best for you and Brian."
Obviously, this was a divinely spoken word to start out our conversations.

Seeing our story.
I have not always believed that God has had his best for us.
In fact, I have come to believe that God chose us for second best.

Contrary to my beliefs, the truth is that this IS God's best for our lives.
I can expect God to show up in our story with the VERY BEST!
I am slowly, beginning...fighting to really believe this.
I am daily choosing to believe that God is here...
in this.
He has his best for us. For our family.

2010...I can believe for God's best for us.

You see I LOVE to give gifts.
No joke.
When I say LOVE. I mean LOVE.
Just ask some of those that really know me.

Wherever I go, I am looking for gifts for my family and friends.
Not like the kind of gift where you realize that some one's Birthday is coming up,
and you feel obligated to get a gift kind of gift.
BUT...I naturally am always looking for the "just because" gifts.
Nothing brings me greater joy than finding and giving the perfect gift.

As I have made the decision to ALWAYS expect God to show up,
I have realized that this is God's heart for me.
Really...He is always doing the same thing.
Looking for opportunities to give me the PERFECT gift.

I won't give a gift unless it is the BEST.
I will wait until I find the BEST.
I am coming to find that God is similar in this.
He sometimes waits, so he can give me the VERY best.

You see...living in a place where you always expect the best.
Always expecting God to show up.
It changes everything.
If God really is who he says is
and if God really can do what he says he can do,
When he shows up,
EVERYTHING changes...EVERYTHING.

So pretty much. Fear will just have to take a back seat.
I am waiting with expectancy.
Waiting for the BEST!

What's a word you are believing for your life this year?
Love,
Me.

Some of my Favorite People...

I fall more and more in love with this family every day.
This is a photo shoot I did of them in late December.
Don't you just want to eat them up?

The Scoop on our Adoption...

As most of you know, we have decided to adopt.
All in all it was our decision, but largely in part it was chosen for us...
Given to us
as a gift from the Lord.

There were many years prior to marriage,
where Brian and I would talk and dream of adopting.
When it came down to it,
I was afraid.

Anytime, anyone would mention adoption,
while we were still trying to have our own,
I would quickly shut down.

The Lord has opened my heart
wide open to it again.
And now we wait...
wait in eager expectation to see what God is going to do.

I just recently read a book given to me by my pastor
called First Love by Ann Kiemel Anderson
It was incredible.
For the first time,
I was able to relate with someone's family journey.

She wrote: "for years I thought I would NEVER be a mother. that the road would NEVER turn a corner. yes. my childhood dream of motherhood had to die before God could resurrect it in a far more powerful way than I ever imagined."

How true this statement is.
God is resurrecting this dream in our lives
that it far more powerful than we've ever imagined it to be.

Soooo...
Let me answer some of the questions you might be asking:

1. Who are you adopting through?
We are adopting through the House of Ruth.
I hyper-linked to their website, but I will try to summarize them for you. House of Ruth is a ministry. It is not an adoption agency. What is the difference? Well, there are a number of differences. House of Ruth facilitates adoptions that are primarily focused on the birth-mother. Their ministry is to woman who have found themselves in a crisis pregnancy and are faced with some big decisions. An adoption agency, primarily is focused on matching a family to a baby. Whereas, House of Ruth, is more focused on:

1) Preventing Abortion: Helping the women to see and understand the life that is in them.
2) Exploring all of the options for these women: Their goal is always to keep the baby and mother together, whether it be by providing resources directly or finding family that is willing and able to help.
3) Having families ready to adopt, when all of the options have been explored, and the mother simply cannot keep her child. This decision is always made out of a very humble place, knowing she cannot provide the type of home, family, life that she would like to.


House of Ruth facilitates round about 50 to 60 adoptions a year.

2) Will your adoption be open? What does open mean?
Yes...we will have an open adoption, which means we will maintain and open relationship with the birth-mother throughout our child's life. The level of openness is largely in part determined by us....what we are comfortable with. Could be pictures once a year...could be a visit once a year...it all depends and unfolds as we go along.

3) What does the process look like?
Well, in order to answer this question, I will preface it by saying that each organization has a different procedure that they follow.
Let me break this down into what we have completed thus far and what we yet need to complete.

Completed
-initial application
- orientation meeting
-Filing Paperwork: Birth-mother letter, Detailed info on us, photo collage, two letters of recommendation, pastoral recommendation.
-Interview to be approved and placed in the system.

Needs to be Completed
-Preliminary Home Study: the state of California requires a state licensed social worker to perform a "home study." They will come and interview us...look at our home...Pretty much they are trying to make sure that there will be no more children placed in the "system" as a result of this adoption.
-Placement: A birth-mother picks us using our "birth-mother letter" and references...we meet with her, pray, and decide if it's a good fit.
If it is a good match (on average this is 2 month-ish before the baby is born...can be the day of :)...We pick of the baby the day he/she is born
-Adoption lawyer is contacted and legal paperwork is prepared.
-Post-placement Home Study: Social Worker revisits us with the baby in the home.
-Adoption is completed via the adoption lawyer.


So....That's the Scoop.
Ultimately, right now we are waiting...waiting to be chosen by a birth-mother.

What questions do you have about adoption...About what we are doing?
I know I have missed a lot, as there is a lot to what we are doing, but your questions will help me:)

Cold Turkey...

Sooooo....
As you obviously can see, writing has not been easy for me as of late.
I haven't blogged for 3 months now.
In some ways, I have stopped writing in order to compartmentalize...
break life down a bit, so I can get back to the basics.
In other ways, I have not written in order to not think.
Shut down a bit.

Since finding out the news from the doctor and starting our new adventure,
I have been much more wary to put my thoughts, words, heart...on paper.
It is very vulnerable for me.
A peek into my heart, soul, the depths of me.
In order to protect my heart, which had been deeply wounded,
I just quit cold turkey.

Cold Turkey is highly over-rated!
It worked for that season, but I am in a new season now.
It is time to write again.
Hope again...
Share my heart, life again...
Believe the best for my life again...

So...here we go again!