Waiting with Expectancy....

2010...my year to wait upon the Lord ALWAYS expecting...
Expecting him to show up.

You see I have lived most of my life without this expectancy.
I have lived always expecting the worst and being pleasantly surprised at the best.

This has been not a choice out of humbleness or anything other than:
FEAR
You see Fear is my biggest opponent right now.
Fear seems to lurk at the doorstep of my heart daily...
Knocking, waiting for me to agree with it.
Convincing me that expecting the worst is the smartest way to live.

"Why expect God's best when he may not come through?" Fear exclaims.
"Expect the worst....it's the only way to protect yourself.
You don't want to hurt like you've been hurt before...do you?"

This way of thinking has been my defense mechanism.
A way to protect myself from the pain...
the hurt that comes when you expect the best and well,
the best isn't what you get (Seemingly).

The first thing that our adoption coordinator said when we sat down with us was...
"You must believe that this (adoption) is God's BEST for you. Adoption is not second best. It is not the runner up choice...it is God's very best for you and Brian."
Obviously, this was a divinely spoken word to start out our conversations.

Seeing our story.
I have not always believed that God has had his best for us.
In fact, I have come to believe that God chose us for second best.

Contrary to my beliefs, the truth is that this IS God's best for our lives.
I can expect God to show up in our story with the VERY BEST!
I am slowly, beginning...fighting to really believe this.
I am daily choosing to believe that God is here...
in this.
He has his best for us. For our family.

2010...I can believe for God's best for us.

You see I LOVE to give gifts.
No joke.
When I say LOVE. I mean LOVE.
Just ask some of those that really know me.

Wherever I go, I am looking for gifts for my family and friends.
Not like the kind of gift where you realize that some one's Birthday is coming up,
and you feel obligated to get a gift kind of gift.
BUT...I naturally am always looking for the "just because" gifts.
Nothing brings me greater joy than finding and giving the perfect gift.

As I have made the decision to ALWAYS expect God to show up,
I have realized that this is God's heart for me.
Really...He is always doing the same thing.
Looking for opportunities to give me the PERFECT gift.

I won't give a gift unless it is the BEST.
I will wait until I find the BEST.
I am coming to find that God is similar in this.
He sometimes waits, so he can give me the VERY best.

You see...living in a place where you always expect the best.
Always expecting God to show up.
It changes everything.
If God really is who he says is
and if God really can do what he says he can do,
When he shows up,
EVERYTHING changes...EVERYTHING.

So pretty much. Fear will just have to take a back seat.
I am waiting with expectancy.
Waiting for the BEST!

What's a word you are believing for your life this year?
Love,
Me.

Some of my Favorite People...

I fall more and more in love with this family every day.
This is a photo shoot I did of them in late December.
Don't you just want to eat them up?

The Scoop on our Adoption...

As most of you know, we have decided to adopt.
All in all it was our decision, but largely in part it was chosen for us...
Given to us
as a gift from the Lord.

There were many years prior to marriage,
where Brian and I would talk and dream of adopting.
When it came down to it,
I was afraid.

Anytime, anyone would mention adoption,
while we were still trying to have our own,
I would quickly shut down.

The Lord has opened my heart
wide open to it again.
And now we wait...
wait in eager expectation to see what God is going to do.

I just recently read a book given to me by my pastor
called First Love by Ann Kiemel Anderson
It was incredible.
For the first time,
I was able to relate with someone's family journey.

She wrote: "for years I thought I would NEVER be a mother. that the road would NEVER turn a corner. yes. my childhood dream of motherhood had to die before God could resurrect it in a far more powerful way than I ever imagined."

How true this statement is.
God is resurrecting this dream in our lives
that it far more powerful than we've ever imagined it to be.

Soooo...
Let me answer some of the questions you might be asking:

1. Who are you adopting through?
We are adopting through the House of Ruth.
I hyper-linked to their website, but I will try to summarize them for you. House of Ruth is a ministry. It is not an adoption agency. What is the difference? Well, there are a number of differences. House of Ruth facilitates adoptions that are primarily focused on the birth-mother. Their ministry is to woman who have found themselves in a crisis pregnancy and are faced with some big decisions. An adoption agency, primarily is focused on matching a family to a baby. Whereas, House of Ruth, is more focused on:

1) Preventing Abortion: Helping the women to see and understand the life that is in them.
2) Exploring all of the options for these women: Their goal is always to keep the baby and mother together, whether it be by providing resources directly or finding family that is willing and able to help.
3) Having families ready to adopt, when all of the options have been explored, and the mother simply cannot keep her child. This decision is always made out of a very humble place, knowing she cannot provide the type of home, family, life that she would like to.


House of Ruth facilitates round about 50 to 60 adoptions a year.

2) Will your adoption be open? What does open mean?
Yes...we will have an open adoption, which means we will maintain and open relationship with the birth-mother throughout our child's life. The level of openness is largely in part determined by us....what we are comfortable with. Could be pictures once a year...could be a visit once a year...it all depends and unfolds as we go along.

3) What does the process look like?
Well, in order to answer this question, I will preface it by saying that each organization has a different procedure that they follow.
Let me break this down into what we have completed thus far and what we yet need to complete.

Completed
-initial application
- orientation meeting
-Filing Paperwork: Birth-mother letter, Detailed info on us, photo collage, two letters of recommendation, pastoral recommendation.
-Interview to be approved and placed in the system.

Needs to be Completed
-Preliminary Home Study: the state of California requires a state licensed social worker to perform a "home study." They will come and interview us...look at our home...Pretty much they are trying to make sure that there will be no more children placed in the "system" as a result of this adoption.
-Placement: A birth-mother picks us using our "birth-mother letter" and references...we meet with her, pray, and decide if it's a good fit.
If it is a good match (on average this is 2 month-ish before the baby is born...can be the day of :)...We pick of the baby the day he/she is born
-Adoption lawyer is contacted and legal paperwork is prepared.
-Post-placement Home Study: Social Worker revisits us with the baby in the home.
-Adoption is completed via the adoption lawyer.


So....That's the Scoop.
Ultimately, right now we are waiting...waiting to be chosen by a birth-mother.

What questions do you have about adoption...About what we are doing?
I know I have missed a lot, as there is a lot to what we are doing, but your questions will help me:)

Cold Turkey...

Sooooo....
As you obviously can see, writing has not been easy for me as of late.
I haven't blogged for 3 months now.
In some ways, I have stopped writing in order to compartmentalize...
break life down a bit, so I can get back to the basics.
In other ways, I have not written in order to not think.
Shut down a bit.

Since finding out the news from the doctor and starting our new adventure,
I have been much more wary to put my thoughts, words, heart...on paper.
It is very vulnerable for me.
A peek into my heart, soul, the depths of me.
In order to protect my heart, which had been deeply wounded,
I just quit cold turkey.

Cold Turkey is highly over-rated!
It worked for that season, but I am in a new season now.
It is time to write again.
Hope again...
Share my heart, life again...
Believe the best for my life again...

So...here we go again!

Forever Friend...

Ever have someone plop into your life and change it forever?
I have...
Meet my Jess. Most of you have.
She has changed my life.

Sunday, she moves to Texas.
It is bitter, sweet.
Bitter because...well, I would rather keep her here. Near me. Not so out of reach.
Sweet because I know that she has her family right in the center of God's will.

I am going to miss her...
A LOT
People like me need people like her around.

Jess has the most amazing heart of anyone I know.
She loves me...really loves me.
She sees me...like looks at me and sees right through.
She loves God passionately
and has faith for things that I couldn't grab a hold of if I tried.

She is an incredible friend, wife, and mother to her children.
She loves me fiercely and loves her kids so much it hurts.
She teaches me to take it easy.
Laugh at life a bit more.
Act like a junior higher sometimes...even to the point of being inappropriate.

I've never laughed so hard with anyone else.
Laughed at...well...pretty much everything.
We love to laugh together.
She's willing to cry with me too.
Cry for me when I can't find my own tears because I hurt so bad.

She lets me teach her kids ridiculous things
and scream/sing songs to them until they are laughing so hard they almost throw up.

The first thing I remember about Jess is how she spoke of her husband.
She spoke with such love and respect, not like I have heard many women.

You see..
She's changed my life.
I prayed hard for a friend like her.
I found her.
I am going to keep her, no matter how far away she is.

Because of her I will walk barefoot more.
I will laugh louder.
Take more risks...be less calculated.
Love deeper.

I love you my Jess and your family.
Texas doesn't know how lucky they are to have you.
Friends always and forever.
<3 Jen

Wordless Wednesday...

Brian said the cat will
NEVER NEVER NO WAY JOSE Senorita EVER
sleep in the bed.
You be the judge....


Caught Red handed.

I love my family...