Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
By: Leeland
Sooo....
I have been on a writing strike of sorts.
In some ways, it has been voluntary, but mostly, I have had a difficult time recently pinning down my heart and being able to express myself in words.
Let me rewind back to when I first found out medically speaking that I cannot have my own children.
My strike started then...a lot of confusion
and deeper heartache that I've ever experienced
entered in.
It has almost been as if there is a deep part of my heart that has been wounded...
unable to be accessed by anyone.
I have gone through a season of deep sadness.
I feel a lot, but I have been unable to identify what those feelings mean...
what part of my heart they are rising up from.
A couple of weeks ago, the Lord began to gently open up this part of my heart and expose it.
I was at a class at church, and we were spending some time waiting for the Lord.
As we were waiting, I felt the word "disqualified" echoing over and over in my head.
I was honestly kind of annoyed because I was looking for some profound knock my socks off kind of experience, yet I just kept hearing "disqualified."
That time ended, and they began praying for healing
and sharing words the Lord was speaking.
Someone approached me and began praying for me.
I still wasn't feeling much...kind of numb...frustrated.
A friend of mine went to the microphone.
I heard her speaking, but I was unsure of what she was saying.
Nonetheless, she came immediately to me after and spoke the word directly to me.
She had a vision of a skinny cow watching a banqueting table, while people feasted, feeling unqualified...in a famine....unable to partake in the feast before it.
As she spoke these words, I felt a breaking...a part of my heart that was wounded...shut up and unidentified was exposed.
This was it...this is what I had been searching for...
the words for what was going on in my heart.
I have felt disqualified.
Unworthy.
Unable to partake of the Lord's promised blessing.
I have felt that I have been chosen to sit and watch, never able to quite reach and absorb of all the Lord has said he has for me.
It felt as if the Lord has chosen me for his second best.
Plan B
Feeling he has chosen me to just plain suffer in life, to never quite make it.
I would like to say that I have overcome.
I would like to say that I miraculously believe that God does have his best for me.
I would like to say that this portion of my heart has been healed, restored, mended.
I would like to...
But...I am not sure that I am quite there.
I know what God's word says.
I believe it to be true.
My heart still hurts, aches, doesn't understand my circumstances.
I am asking the Lord to carry me to the table right now.
It is the table of the Lord.
A table, where I don't belong...
Neither does anyone else.
Yet...God has chosen us to come...to eat with him, dine at his table.
I am begging the Lord to carry me here.
I want to be swept away by his love.
I know that, when I am at his table, I belong.
All shame...drifts away.
My circumstances have left me broken...feeling alone and confused, but
I am being carried to the table by the Lord himself.
I am being beckoned into the throne room of my God.
My circumstances may not change, but I want to be seated at the table of the Lord.
When I am seated at His table, circumstances have no power over me.
I am simply consumed by my father's love.
End of Strike...
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
You carried me, my God
You carried me
By: Leeland
Sooo....
I have been on a writing strike of sorts.
In some ways, it has been voluntary, but mostly, I have had a difficult time recently pinning down my heart and being able to express myself in words.
Let me rewind back to when I first found out medically speaking that I cannot have my own children.
My strike started then...a lot of confusion
and deeper heartache that I've ever experienced
entered in.
It has almost been as if there is a deep part of my heart that has been wounded...
unable to be accessed by anyone.
I have gone through a season of deep sadness.
I feel a lot, but I have been unable to identify what those feelings mean...
what part of my heart they are rising up from.
A couple of weeks ago, the Lord began to gently open up this part of my heart and expose it.
I was at a class at church, and we were spending some time waiting for the Lord.
As we were waiting, I felt the word "disqualified" echoing over and over in my head.
I was honestly kind of annoyed because I was looking for some profound knock my socks off kind of experience, yet I just kept hearing "disqualified."
That time ended, and they began praying for healing
and sharing words the Lord was speaking.
Someone approached me and began praying for me.
I still wasn't feeling much...kind of numb...frustrated.
A friend of mine went to the microphone.
I heard her speaking, but I was unsure of what she was saying.
Nonetheless, she came immediately to me after and spoke the word directly to me.
She had a vision of a skinny cow watching a banqueting table, while people feasted, feeling unqualified...in a famine....unable to partake in the feast before it.
As she spoke these words, I felt a breaking...a part of my heart that was wounded...shut up and unidentified was exposed.
This was it...this is what I had been searching for...
the words for what was going on in my heart.
I have felt disqualified.
Unworthy.
Unable to partake of the Lord's promised blessing.
I have felt that I have been chosen to sit and watch, never able to quite reach and absorb of all the Lord has said he has for me.
It felt as if the Lord has chosen me for his second best.
Plan B
Feeling he has chosen me to just plain suffer in life, to never quite make it.
I would like to say that I have overcome.
I would like to say that I miraculously believe that God does have his best for me.
I would like to say that this portion of my heart has been healed, restored, mended.
I would like to...
But...I am not sure that I am quite there.
I know what God's word says.
I believe it to be true.
My heart still hurts, aches, doesn't understand my circumstances.
I am asking the Lord to carry me to the table right now.
It is the table of the Lord.
A table, where I don't belong...
Neither does anyone else.
Yet...God has chosen us to come...to eat with him, dine at his table.
I am begging the Lord to carry me here.
I want to be swept away by his love.
I know that, when I am at his table, I belong.
All shame...drifts away.
My circumstances have left me broken...feeling alone and confused, but
I am being carried to the table by the Lord himself.
I am being beckoned into the throne room of my God.
My circumstances may not change, but I want to be seated at the table of the Lord.
When I am seated at His table, circumstances have no power over me.
I am simply consumed by my father's love.
End of Strike...
5 comments:
Jen...I love your heart! Thanks for ending your strike! I am so glad that we are friends :)
P.S. I really feel like I'm supposed to pass on this song to you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdfKTTeGj2U
I love you more than words can say. You are amazing. That is all. No more words to describe it. What you are doing and what the Lord is doing in you is the hardest thing I could ever think of, but in the same way, it is the way in which God can show so much grace. His love for you abounds. He carries you to the end of the Earth and beyond. My dear Sister, he will carry you to the foot of the cross, the only place true freedom, and peace, and I don't even know what else, is. Pretty much everything we need. I don't know why I'm writing all this, but you are being carried, your burdens lifted. Let your load be light. Allow Him to carry the burdens for you. Look up the lyrics to "Carry You" by Amy Grant. That's what I feel the Lord is saying to you right now too.
P.S. When you told me to comment, I don't think either of us was expecting this.
P.P.S. Ummmm, due to funky writing style, I officially will never start a blog :)
absolutely beautiful Jen. I love you so much!
Lovely post. Struck a chord with me. Thank you for sharing.
So this is probably the fifth time I’ve gone back over your posts and reread most of your blogs over the last six months. I cry so hard every time. For many reasons. My ache for you and astonishment at such trial of infertility upon the most deserving of motherhood. But its even more for the great beauty I see in your life and in your spirit. Its overwhelming. It changes me just to observe your life at a distance and see your great faith, trust and joy in the Lord. I know I was not a good friend to you in the past so I don't know what these words mean to you. Its not for me or what you think of me, its just to thank you for sharing your life with the world. You are an example of what I long to be and I believe you have a richness in your heart I can only imagine. I see this increasing as I continue to pray for you and as you see this challenge through. I really do see God enriching your life now. Thanks for showing us God at work and for leaning into Him so I can watch how He holds you. God has used you as an overwhelming reminder to me that He is love.
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